


overflow

by venpast



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Almost Drowning, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, do those count as triggers?, fear of water, raira!shizaya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 06:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5445995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venpast/pseuds/venpast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" - the oceans are the same. They rob you of oxygen and drag you into riptides that leave you wondering which way is up," Izaya's breath stuttered slightly as he tugged out another handful of grass, "filling your lungs up, waves beating on your insides almost as much as they beat on your body. Poetic as it may be, it's painful." </p><p>(in which shizuo almost drowns izaya)</p>
            </blockquote>





	overflow

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: so this is based off a couple of headcanons of mine - mostly that izaya can't swim and shizuo has a lot of self-hate going on. this is kind of angsty, with potential triggers (i.e. drowning, fear of water, and the like)
> 
> i was listening to what the water gave me by florence + the machine!
> 
> hope you like it :)

 

 

 

He didn't understand why he was on this trip to begin with. He didn't understand how he'd managed to fall prey to Shinra's pathetic pleading and Kadota's reverse psychology (fine, man – don't come, that's chill too). But it was the moment when he found himself climbing a trail with both his and Shinra's bags lining his back, did he really regret his decision. It wasn't even the weight of the camping equipment that bothered him. It was more of Shinra's dry heaving that was paired with nature's own shitty soundtrack.

"We're so fucking behind, goddamn it Shinra," he grumbled, his teeth grit in a manner that was borderline painful. Shizuo was already a few steps in front of his friend, "if you can't keep up with this, why the hell did you make  _me_  come? Neither of us is enjoying this."

"Aw, Shizuo—" Shinra's breath was shallow and rapid, "don't be a—a spoil sport now!"

With a deadpan, Shizuo turned around, lip curling at the sight of the boy doubled over, gasping for breath like a drowning man. "Spoil sport? You look like you're going to fucking  _die_  on me."

"Will—I—will not!"

"Fine," Shizuo huffed, readjusting the bags temperamentally, before turning around to walk forward, "try to keep up then, we can't keep stopping. I'm already pretty sure we lost the class. Gods, Shinra."

"So—"  _heave_ , "—very cruel."

 _Well, that's the end of that_ , Shizuo didn't slow down, instead dragged his own long strides along the trail, leaves breaking against his heel. He couldn't help but feel almost jealous of Kadota and that shitty Izaya; they were most likely enjoying a nice rest after having set up camp. All four of them had been walking alongside one another, and although Shizuo hardly enjoyed Izaya's company, he taught himself tolerance in the other's presence for the sake of both of his friends.

Izaya, as he seemed to do most of the time, had been speaking animatedly to a disinterested Kadota, throwing sly sideways glances at Shizuo ever so often. That was, of course, before Shinra lagged behind so  _painfully_ , and Izaya's focus narrowed on the one-sided conversation alone. Kadota and Izaya, much like the rest of the class, had soon faded away at the tail of the group of students, leaving Shizuo this—this mess.

The situation only seemed to get worse, Shinra getting slower as the sky dyed itself darker. Shizuo was not fond of the dark, even if he didn't fear it. No one liked stepping in shit or casually falling face-first into poison ivy or anything akin to that. The dark presented a nice array of everything that could possibly go wrong.

"We're gonna die out here, I swear." Shizuo's voice came a little louder, knowing he'd moved farther away from the wheezing boy, "at this rate, we're not going to make it to camp before like a million A.D. or some shit."  _At least the flea will be dead as well,_  he tried consoling himself.

Shinra, who seemed to have lost some of his collected playfulness, wailed. "We can't all have killer stamina—well we could if you'd let me run a few—"

" _Seriously_?" Shizuo's head snapped around, his glare incredulous, one eye glinting against his profile in the tinted twilight, "you're about to pass out and you're still going on about running some stupid tests on me? Oh my fucking gods," he snapped, "you're not touching me, yeah? Now start moving again before I decide to take off and leave you here."

"So mean," Shinra frowned, clutching at the white sweat-stained fabric over his chest, a finger coming up to readjust his glasses with fatigued clumsiness. Shizuo looked down at him from the slight rise in the trail, eyebrows drawn at the sweaty mess that was his physically retarded childhood friend.  _He must be kidding, the trail isn't even that long,_  Shizuo thought bitterly, _this is just ridiculous_.

"Remind me never to be your trip-buddy ever again."

"I love how you're the one complaining," Shizuo scoffed, walking down to grab Shinra's upper arm in hopes of physically hauling the man forward, "you literally have no room to bitch, yeah?"

The man gave a slight whimper when Shizuo's grip tightened, "you're going to break my arm!"

"Be quiet," he growled, letting go only to roll his own white sleeves upward, before tightly tugging Shinra forward, "I swear to every fucking spirit in this shitty-ass forest, that if we get there and there's no desert left, so help me  _I will skin you."_

Shinra's eyes widened as he audibly swallowed, tripping on his own feet.

* * *

  
Shinra didn't end up dying, or bleeding to death or anything of the like, despite the fact that no food (much less desert) remained. Shizuo was angry, but after almost two and a half hours of trying to catch up with the group, he hardly cared enough anymore. He ended up having to haul Shinra over his shoulder before managing to get any distance under his feet. Even though the boy was whining and complaining and sobbing about how 'hard Shizuo's shoulder was' and how he should 'put him down before he barfs', Shizuo was pretty damn certain that the dumbass was thankful for every step he didn't have to walk himself.

He curled his lip at the thought, leaning against a tent, out of sight as he lit cigarette with practiced ease.

"Ah, looking lonely there, Shizu-chan," a voice chirped—Shizuo's teeth threatened to destroy the paper filter.

"Couldn't leave me in peace, huh?" Shizuo's glare tightened his features, head turning to stare at the smug lean figure that radiated vanity. "What the hell do you want, flea?"

Izaya's smile curled at its edges, sharpening his already angular eyes. He pressed his palms to jutting hips. Shoulders rose under his large grey crew neck in a pleasant shrug, pushing off the tree with agility reserved only for feline assholes. "So harsh, and here I was, wanting to keep you company!"

"Oh look," Shizuo took a long calculating drag off his cigarette, before walking toward Izaya. Once he was close enough to the carefree smiling expression, Shizuo blew his tobacco stained breath straight into Izaya's face; he saw a flicker of disgust root itself in the boy's expression, neck twisting to the side keenly. "I smell horseshit."

"Silly, Shizu-chan," Izaya hummed, throwing a sideways glance at the quietly irate figure, as he flicked his fringe to the side in controlled annoyance. " _I_  smell the lung-cancer you'll eventually die of if I'm lucky. Or maybe you're too much of an abnormality to die of something to mundane?"

Shizuo scoffed, cigarette pinched tightly between his index finger and thumb, pressing it to his lips once more. There was no expressing how much he truly hated Izaya; there was no way to even show the man, no chase, no punch, no scowl, no broken bone could possibly convey how  _fucking base_  Shizuo thought Izaya was. He did his best to let the nicotine wash over the anger that was starting to throb in veins.

"Piss off."

"Eloquent." Izaya chuckled, patting him on the cheek patronizingly as he would a misbehaving child, before having his hand swatted away vehemently in the shadow of Shizuo's glare.

"Touch me again and you die, you piece of shit," Shizuo's voice was low, tone ripping a violent purr from his throat—displeased and angry. "Touch me and  _die_."  
  
Izaya's laugh defined his personality: artificial and loud. It came in the form of pitched chirrups and giggles that Shizuo found extremely unsettling on a boy. He found it peculiar and unnerving enough that he dropped his glare in favor of something that resembled annoyed confusion. He didn't even know what was funny to begin with.

"That's really cute Shizu-chan—I have to admit, though," Izaya sighed through his smile, coming down from his swift high, "it  _is_  rather violent. You won't get any pretty girls this way, you know."

"You won't get any girls with that laugh either,  _Christ_." Shizuo raised an incredulous eyebrow, "that shit is fucking  _horrible_."

Shizuo  _almost_  laughed himself at the comical drop of Izaya's smile. "That was uncalled for."

"Uncalled for? Fucking hell!" Shizuo snorted, biting his lip to fight the cruel smile. He placed the cigarette in his mouth when his teeth failed at keeping his amusement at bay, "that was _scary_. Nothing about your scrawny-ass intimidates anybody, but with a laugh like that, shit _,_  Izaya. I can practically  _smell_  Shinra's future tears."

"Who can smell my tears?" A soft voice picked up to Shizuo's right, Shinra's head poking out from the green folds of the tent. Glasses readjusted, he looked up at the two males, matching expressions of disgruntlement lining both of their faces, "oh, hi there, Izaya! I didn't see you in forever."

"Shinra," Izaya's smile was strained, eyes doing their best to avoid showing the little dead part of his pride that Shizuo killed, "I saw you this morning, but I couldn't help but hate you a little, forgive me."

Falling out of the tent, Shinra whined slightly before dusting his –  _is that a fucking onesie?_ – off. "Aw, why Izaya! I didn't do anything!"  _To busy fucking dying on me to do anything,_ the thought was paired with a cynical eye roll.

"Ah, but Shinra, you're responsible for bringing this  _beast_  along." Izaya's composure returned, but Shizuo could still see the offended pout of his lips. It took him a moment for Izaya's words to register in his mind, "now I can't sleep without the fear of getting eaten!"

The cigarette broke under the pressure of Shizuo's teeth. He did his best not to let the annoyance morph into rage. "What the fuck? You smell like shit, you probably taste even worse."

Izaya's eyes lit, and Shizuo knew he must have said something wrong. "Has Shizu-chan been considering? Now you've piqued my interest! Who would've thought that the cannibalistic side of you would've come out for dear little old me—" Izaya's smile was biting, "but sorry, Shizu-chan. I'd rather have a parasite eat me inside out before having your filthy tongue anywhere near my corpse."

"That's kind of disturbing, Izaya," Shinra piped, a pleasant smile on his face.

The vein on Shizuo's temple knotted, pressing against his patience relentlessly. "I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot fucking pole, you bloodsucker," he hissed, the cigarette hanging out of his mouth at bobbing angles. "Much less try to eat you—but believe me when I say this, push me any further, and I'll tear you apart. Even the hungriest animals in this fucking place wont go near your rotting corpse, yeah?"

Izaya oohed, sarcasm flowing into the sound – Shinra's blood ran cold as he watched him slink towards Shizuo, plucking the broken, lit cigarette from thinning lips. Izaya's full mouth curled prettily; he pressed the lit cigarette to Shizuo's neck with deliberate ease.

"I'll see you  _fucking try_ , Shizu-chan."

* * *

  
And it was on; it was on like it had always been since Shizuo first saw on that sardonic curl of lip and torrent of vanity that washed over burgundy eyes. It was on, and it went on and on and on—a never ending stream of cruel, angry emotion tore Shizuo at his seams, his own sense of self lost in the riptide. He couldn't help it, that pure unadulterated fury that uprooted trees and hurled boulders—he was too taken to pay attention to whether the arm hit its target.

Izaya's form was fast moving, fluid and agile in a way that drove Shizuo's unnatural ire to a boil— _kill him, kill him, kill, kill, kill_ it _, kill it_ now _._ His own mind was dissolving into the same mantra that came naturally to him; he was red in the face, features flustered in fury at the sound of Izaya's laugh, his own roar over shadowing it by miles.  _Kill him._  
  
The forest seemed to darken around them the longer they ran, and the longer they ran, the quicker Shizuo's gaze narrowed. His pupils dilated, his chest heaving in raw pants, his mind a flurry of raven hair and narrow hips and angled smiles. They moved without taking into consideration their surroundings, jumping over timber and stepping onto fallen leaves and flowers, Izaya swinging on the axis of trunks as Shizuo splintered wood.

Shizuo choked on his own breath, the thrill of hate pushing his feet against the ground faster, and faster and faster—it felt unreal, his speed picking up to an extent that blew his fringe back, arms swinging by his sides with sharp, angled form. Though Izaya's light steps took him farther and farther away— _why, why, why._  A desperate part of Shizuo didn't understand how the man could possibly be so fast, even though his figure looked so fragile, he didn't understand how Izaya could possibly outrun him.

Shizuo's feet sunk into the soil, pressing against it solidly, devil-may-care steps overriding the slight silhouettes of Izaya's canvas shoes. Depressions formed in the ground with every movement, hot fire licked along the inside of his lungs – Izaya's unheard steps echoed in his ears not unlike the taunts that usually escaped his lips.

Then it stopped.

The world seemed to halt on its axis as Shizuo watched Izaya skid to a violent halt that knocked his lithe body back onto the mud. Shizuo's mind barely comprehended the sight, his distance tightening around Izaya like a stretched rubber band's release. His chest broke out in violent heaves as he slid sideways in hopes of killing his momentum. His eyes were trained downward on a fallen Izaya, before rising—and then he understood.

A vast body of water stretched past the cliff where they stood.

There was a moment of silence that drew over them both as they did their best to regain breath, something that seemed almost impossible. Shizuo hoped he didn't look like what they'd been through, because Izaya  _did_ —his face dusted with dirt, hair matted down in places and spiked in others, a cut lining the drawn curve of his – feminine, Shizuo noted dully - jawline. Though that was hardly what unsettled Shizuo. Izaya had a wild look in his eyes, drawn wide and dilated and panicked, trained on the dark horizon. It was something Shizuo never thought he'd live to see.  _He's—is he scared?_

As soon as Shizuo's presence was acknowledged, Izaya instantly washed off his unsettled stare, a faux smile breaking against his face, "ah, it looks like Shizu-chan's caught me! Oh what must I do now?"

And just as quickly, did Shizuo's anger resurface. "I don't know, flea. How about you fall straight into a pit of something sharp or whatever,"

"That's lame of you, Shizu-chan. I thought you could be more creative than that!" Izaya breathed, pushing himself to his feet when he saw Shizuo near, "come on, put some thought into it."

"Why should I put thought into anything that involves you? I want to keep my sanity." Shizuo neared, still heaving slightly with a maniacal grin on his face; with every step he took, Izaya's eyes flicked to his feet and back up to his eyes suspiciously. There was hardly anywhere to run, his only option forward. Izaya scoffed, for more reasons than one.

"Sanity? That's funny, Shizu-chan. Never pegged you for someone with a sense of humor – then again, never pegged you as sane either," he smirked. The twitch of Shizuo's nose and the curl of his lips were involuntarily. "Besides, monsters aren't accountable for their mental state, Shizu-chan – neither are animals, ne? And I haven't quite decided which branch of blatant abnormality you fall under."

" _Shut the fuck up_." Shizuo breathed, his fingers curling into fists, digging into his palms painfully. His anger was peaking, hostility radiating off him in waves that hit the shores of Izaya's patience. The calm viciousness in Shizuo's voice caused Izaya to stiffen. "I'm so sick of  _you_  and  _everything_  you fucking do, you know that?"

"You may have brought it up in conversation once or twice," was the cocky reply.

With speed that Izaya didn't know he possessed, Shizuo's arm thrust forward, uncurled fingers wrapping around his neck in promise of pain. Izaya's composure didn't fail, tight smile held as his feet struggled to stay grounded. "Come on—"  _choke_ , "you can do better than that—so  _scary_."  
  
Izaya seldom made mistakes.

It was when Shizuo smiled back with that deranged look in his eyes, that Izaya knew the gears twisting in the man's head had come to a violent halt; Shizuo didn't care for what he was doing. Izaya miscalculated. Izaya made a mistake.

"You're right, Izaya." It was breathed into the night, "I really can."

Shizuo pushed Izaya backward, off the edge.

* * *

  
It was a few seconds after Shizuo sent Izaya flying, did Kadota and a piggybacking Shinra catch up. The feeling was surreal, though, and oddly satisfying for Shizuo, even if the cliff was not severely high. Not high enough to kill, he knew, but enough for the flea to take a few solid seconds to hit the surface of the bay with a sating splash. He found himself calming down slightly once he heard Kadota's voice call him.

"Hey man," Shizuo turned to him with a weak smile, "took you long enough."

Kadota shook his head incredulously, dropping Shinra unceremoniously onto the ground. He looked miffed. His track pants and shirt were disheveled, shoes tugged on without socks, and his beanie was missing, giving way to wind-tangled brown hair. "Are you joking? You guys took off and this retard came to get me—something about you getting lost or some shit."

Shizuo shrugged, "it's okay now, I taught the flea a lesson."

Kadota looked around, seeming to notice the fact Izaya was nowhere in sight a little late. "Speaking of which, where is Orihara?"

"Swimming," Shizuo grinned.

Kadota cracked a smile, walking closer, "wow, he must've taken a dive," he commented, looking over the edge with a self-satisfied Shizuo.  
"Yeah, man. I sent the shitty bastard flying."

Shinra, who had just adjusted his glasses, hopped up, smiling widely from a few feet away, "flying?"

"Yeah."

"That's amazing! How far, hm?" Shizuo rolled his eyes, keeping his gaze trained on the still empty shore.  _Where the fuck is that flea?_ "For research purposes of course—"

"Shut up, Shinra." Kadota spoke slowly, eyeing the shore with creasing brows. His eyes flit to Shizuo questioningly as their eyes met briefly, both of them seeming to share a similar train of thought. Biting his lip, Shizuo watched Shinra look over alongside them.

"Uh, Shinra?"  _Maybe he saw something._  
  
"Yes?"

"Do you happen to, uh, see someone on the shore?" his canine dug into the corner of his worrying lips.

"Huh?" Shinra turned to him pushing his glasses back, "no? I mean, you're waiting for someone to show up?"

Two gazes sharpened on Shinra wearily. Shizuo watched with bated breath.

" _What_?" Kadota's eyebrow arched, his voice hostile, "yes, Shinra.  _Izaya_."

"Oh!" Shinra gave an unsettlingly carefree laugh, "I thought we were waiting for his corpse to surface, silly me, aha! That usually takes a little longer—"  
  
Shizuo choked, physically grasping at his chest, "what the  _fuck_? No, I didn't hit the flea  _that_  hard—"

Kadota, having fallen deathly silent, placed a hand on the panicking man's shoulder, "I—I don't think that's what he means."

Shinra hummed with a soft nod, "Izaya can't swim—he's kind of terrified of the ocean, wouldn't go on our middle-school beach trip eith—"

Shizuo felt his lungs cave in on him, his heart seeming to stop in his chest along with the breath caught in his throat.  _Izaya can't swim. Izaya can't swim._

Izaya  _was_  scared.

" _Shinra are you fucking stupid?"_  Shizuo hissed grabbing at the man frantically, his expression falling apart, a newly painted one of self-loathing taking place of anger. Shizuo fingers were laced tightly into his own hair, the other fist deeply curled into Shinra's front. "Did you not want to mention this earlier? Oh my fucking gods, oh my fucking Buddha—"

"How long?" Kadota snapped at the male who flailed helplessly in Shizuo grip.

"I don't know? Some say it takes three to four minutes, but he could've lost consciousness at sixty seconds for all we know! Don't kill me!" Shinra wailed, and Shizuo spared him one last glance before hissing loudly, pressing a full palm into Shinra's face, effectively knocking him to the ground. It was not hard enough to hurt, but enough to send his glasses flying.

"Mother _fucker_ ," Shizuo cursed, swallowing, before throwing his shirt off into Shinra's face, "Jesus fucking Christ, oh my gods—who the fuck doesn't learn how to swim? Huh? That's like fucking writing or reading or breathing, what the hell, flea!" Shizuo felt like crying.

He didn't want to kill a man; he didn't want to kill Izaya.

He didn't want to kill him, he wanted him wet and angry and annoyed like the feline he was—but breathing—he wanted Izaya breathing and taunting and smiling and  _very much alive_.  _Gods, this is what you do to me, Izaya._

Running backwards, Shizuo built enough momentum to dart forward, flying into the dark air in a perfect arc. He slid his eyes closed, fear running through him— _what if it's too late, what if Izaya's already dead?_  He felt like he was freefalling, the cold air braiding itself between the creases of his limbs as he dived, hair pushed back as the tips of his fingers met the icy surface.

It was cold and it was dark and it made Shizuo's heart sink as fast as his body.

He couldn't see much, though he wasted no time in pushing downward, legs paddling with anxious vigor, eyes burning. The salt lined his reddening gaze, body twisting and turning beneath the surface trying to find the silhouette of a drowning man. The depth, Shizuo rounded, may have been twice his own height— thrice Izaya's, he swallowed. He was running out of breath, but he couldn't break surface yet—but he couldn't breathe. With a heavy heart, he resurfaced, gaze looking left and right as he prayed to any deity that he would see a head of wet hair. With a groan, he dived again.

_Where is that flea—please, please—_

His mind froze and so did his body when he locked eyes on the lifeless body a few feet from him, a dark shadow that moved with the sway of the waves.  _Shit_ , Shizuo's eyes widened, arms moving fast in the heavy water, his muscles burning as he neared the boy.

The first thing he noticed was just how pale Izaya was, and just how cold he felt. He was a marble statue held up by nothing. Those eyes, not fully closed, shadowed by thick lashes, were so lifeless it scared Shizuo; his heart throbbed in his head at the sight.  _I need to get him out of there, out of here._ Without a moment of hesitation, Shizuo grabbed at the smaller male's waist, tugging him upward, towards the moonlight. He broke the surface with raw, choked-tearless sobs _. Fucking hell, don't die flea._

_You're cruel—but I beg you, don't turn me into a killer._

Shizuo was scared.

His body, once so strong and confident, trembled as his mind struggled to keep up. His strong,  _monstrous_  body struggled to keep Izaya's small frame from sinking. He struggled with his own self-hate as his body pushed forward, helped by the forceful push of the waves.

"Don't die, Izaya!" he yelled over the loud crash of the ocean, " _please_ , you said you were hard to kill, damn it!"

 _please_.

He wasn't sure if he was begging his own failing body, or Izaya.

_What are you good for if you can't save the man you're killing?_

There was a violent shudder of relief that thrummed through him, dancing along his strained spine when he felt his feet touch the ground. He moved with all the power of a horse—he was a powerhouse, he was strong, and he had to save this man. His mind narrowed on the nearing shore, breath dry and rasping.  _Yes, so close, so close damn it._  Close.

The sand felt heavy under his feet as he dragged them both forward away from the waves, dropping to his knees, his wet body sinking into the sand on either side of Izaya's immobile body. He didn't know what to do; he had no idea how to save him. His hand trembled as he placed it over Izaya's chest—he couldn't press down, he'll kill him—he'll kill him more. He couldn't kill him more. He killed him enough.

"Fuck, get away from him, Shizuo!" Kadota hissed, running, but Shizuo didn't look up from the wet face that was inches from his own. Izaya's eyes were lidded; his hair plastered onto the pale lifelessness that shadowed his face, Shizuo couldn't breathe. It was worse than being underwater, worse than burning lungs and salt-stung eyes.

 _I killed him, I killed him, I killed him_  – "I  _killed_  him Kadota!" He cried hysterically, his body starting to rack in tearless-sobs, "I'm a monster and I killed him, he's dead, I killed him dead, _dead, dead, dead_ ,  _dead_ —"

Shizuo felt Kadota's sweaty palms push at his chest, but he couldn't move, he couldn't let go of Izaya's wrists, he couldn't stop staring—  
  
"If you want me to fucking save him—" Kadota yelled, giving one forceful push that sent Shizuo into the sand. He crawled backwards, watching with horror and hysterics as Kadota pumped at his chest, as Kadota pressed at his lips

—as Kadota fixed his fuck-up.

Shizuo's hand trembled over his mouth as he held back the bile in his throat, fighting nausea as his eyes finally shed foreign dampness.

_I'm so sorry—I'm so fucking sorry._

* * *

  
Shizuo couldn't face Izaya ever again, he thought, burying his face in his arms as he rested his drying form against a tree. He couldn't face him ever again after what he did. He could barely even watch from a distance as Shinra and Kadota sat Izaya up, and helped him take off his soaked clothes - he'd just gotten up and left, shame gnawing at him cruelly. He could tell that Izaya was drunk off fatigue by the way he swayed, but even though he knew Izaya couldn't tell black from white, he didn't want to be there when he properly came to.

He sighed, his shoulders sagging. It had already been almost half an hour and he was still unable to move. He felt shaken, and still scared, his mind not over the fact that he'd almost  _killed_ someone - that someone being the  _flea_. He never wanted anyone to die, and even though he wanted Izaya to stay way from him, that was hardly the same as throwing him off a cliff to a watery grave. Shizuo didn't know he couldn't swim, but there was one thing that guilted him far worse than the reality of a drowning Izaya: the idea of a  _scared_  Izaya broke every self-respecting part of Shizuo's mind. He took his own fear and multiplied it, but even then, he knew that probably held no gravity when compared to how he made Izaya feel.

 _Are you scared of me now?_  The thought bothered him more than it should have, and that in itself was selfish; he didn't have the right to feel hurt, "do you think I'm a monster now, for real?"

 _He looked scared before I touched him. I should've known._ Two palms fisted deeper into his scalp. He cursed his anger that punished him more than it punished anyone else, he hated his strength that gave up on him when he needed it the most, and he hated himself for being blind to everything.  _How did you feel when you were falling, Izaya?_

He felt something drop onto his head. "Coward, running away like that. You're going to get a cold."

Shizuo felt his breath catch as he looked up from under the towel that covered his head. Izaya looked tired, and Shizuo couldn't help but avoid his eyes. He looked soaked and unhappy, and Shizuo couldn't really blame him, because  _that's the sort of thing that happens after you almost drown._  He could do little but stare at Izaya's bare feet, slight ankles fading into lean claves. _He must feel cold,_ Shizuo guilted himself.

"Look up, Shizu-chan." That hoarse voice made him want to do everything  _but_  look up. He felt a soft hand on the towel, rubbing softly. "Ne, Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo swallowed the knot in his throat, his mouth opening but no words came out.  _What would an apology do for him anyway? 'I'm sorry I almost killed you'?_ No words came out when Izaya's hand softly hit his head, either. He could feel the other's patience wane slightly.

With a huff, Izaya stilled, crossing his arms. Feeling even guiltier, Shizuo tried his best to look up, but couldn't get past the trim of the white shirt that he identified as his own. He understood that Shinra must have given it to Izaya, seeing as it was the only dry piece of clothing around (other than Shinra and Kadota's own), but it didn't stop the slight warmth that rose to the tips of his ears. With a swallow he dropped his eyes again.

"We can't have a proper conversation if you refuse to even look at me, you know." It was hardly bitter, it was the opposite of what Shizuo expected from Izaya: soft and almost reassuring. He was sure the sentence had a playful ring to it as well, but Shizuo didn't understand how Izaya could feel even  _mildly_  playful towards him. "I deserve that much at least?"

"I'm—" Shizuo didn't look up, hands burying into his hair with violent tugs, "I'm so sorry, I didn't—" He had to stop himself from choking, "I didn't  _know_."

That little chirrup was what made Shizuo look up finally, that silly pitched hiccup of laughter. Something that had once sounded so strange, seemed so pleasant to him, so childish and albeit a little feminine. But he couldn't help but glance upward at Izaya's smiling face, the tired tint in his cheeks made Shizuo wonder if he was being nice because he was sleepy. Either way, Shizuo was happy that color had returned to Izaya's face. "Of course you didn't know, Shizu-chan. No one knows, save Shinra, because the bastard found out by accident."

"I'm so sorry—"

"Stop apologizing, protozoan," Izaya raised an amused eyebrow at Shizuo, who looked like he would start physically skinning himself, "and stop hating on yourself. It's unbecoming."

"I can't stop!" Shizuo snapped, almost angry with Izaya for  _not_  being angry, eyes glaring with sad desperation, "how can you just stand there and talk to me like nothing happened? I almost killed you. I almost killed you for real, this time."  
  
Izaya sighed, but Shizuo interrupted.

"And don't you fucking dare give me that bull about 'not dying so easily'." Shizuo frowned, his expression sad and tinted with anger at himself, "you're just as fragile as everyone else, and I'm just a bloody monster, right? Isn't that—"

Izaya crouched down, coming face to face with the other. Shizuo neck craned back in slight confusion before Izaya backhanded him, solid and hard and painful. His neck snapped to the side, red lining his burning face, eyes wide. The towel fell off his head.

"I wonder, did that hurt you?"

When Shizuo didn't respond, Izaya continued, "I'll bet it might have. But that hardly matters—it doesn't matter whether or not it hurt you. You know what matters? Is that it came from  _me_. It came from the only person who is capable of doing that to you, because no one else dares to. That in itself is power, Shizu-chan – bravery is power. It gives you will and strength that fear will never yield. Don't you dare call me  _fragile_ , like some weakling, don't you dare underestimate me." Izaya paused, mouth pressed into a thin line, "let me tell you something. Bravery is not facing your fears, Shizu-chan. It's knowing what is worth fearing," Izaya placed a hand on Shizuo's burning cheek, with a cold look in his eyes, "and knowing exactly what not to fear."

Shizuo swallowed, head still tilted with eyes staring at nothing. "You're not afraid of me?"

Izaya chuckled incredulously, letting his hand fall, "hardly – I'm not afraid of kittens that roar."

Shizuo was in no mood for joking. "But you're afraid of the ocean." Izaya fell silent, and Shizuo could see the curl of his hands, pressing into his bare knees. "That's what Shinra said. And I almost killed you without knowing that."

"Don't mourn the living, Shizu-chan." Izaya breathed, a soft, irritated look taking root onto his features, "you don't appreciate life, do you? You underestimate the gravity of 'almost' in terms of the value of life. That  _almost_  means I'm still alive, I need you to understand that well, because without it, I wouldn't be here."

"Do you not want me to feel guilty that it's my fault someone almost  _died_?"

"Yes, because it was not your fault—"

" _Excuse_  me?" Shizuo scoffed turning face Izaya fully, spitting the words with disgust, "then whose fucking fault is it?"

Izaya's eyes sharpened with lividity, "if you don't want me to backhand you again, you will not exempt my role in all of this, do you understand? I'm not a child that needs to be brushed aside. I taunted, knowing well that you were oblivious. I reaped what I sowed."

Shizuo glared in silence.

"Now tell me, have you ever been afraid of anything?"

"No."

Izaya rolled his eyes, "it doesn't do to lie, especially when here I am trying to be open."

Shizuo shook his head, arm reaching out to set the towel onto his stretched legs, "but I'm not afraid of anything."

"You think you're not afraid of anything, but everyone fears something. You think you're invincible because of your strength, ne?" Izaya fell back with tired agility onto the grass, "but that's just it. While the rest of us are fragile in body, you're fragile in mind and emotion. You're easy to break, given you're exposed to the correct emotional stimulus." Izaya looked back at Shizuo with interest, "you're afraid of killing someone."

"Everyone is afraid of killin—"

" _No_." Izaya interrupted, "not everybody."

He pulled his eyes away from Shizuo, before cruelly pulling out a chunk of grass. Cold air touched his lips, threatening chill and easily regretted conversations, "tell me, Shizuo – how did it feel when you thought you killed me?"

"Like I couldn't breathe." Shizuo relented, "it hurt—and it felt like I was lost."

"The oceans are the same. They rob you of oxygen and drag you into riptides that leave you wondering which way is up," Izaya's breath stuttered slightly as he tugged out another handful of grass, "filling your lungs up, waves beating on your insides almost as much as they beat on your body – poetic as it may be, it doesn't stop it from being painful. We're so small, Shizu-chan. So very small in the mass of water that we know nothing about, it's all sharp drops and curling waters. And what are we?" Izaya shook his head. "We're nothing. There's a reason people once hailed the ocean as a god.

"Swimming does nothing for you when a storm hits, and swimming does nothing for you when you can't breathe. I've learnt that the best way to avoid flirting with death, is not to take water as a lover."

"You flirt with death all the time." Shizuo spoke after a moment or so of silence, when Izaya had looked at him expectantly. "You taunt me."

"I'm not afraid of you." He dusted his hands free of dirt, before eyeing Shizuo, "remember, bravery is knowing what to fear, Shizu-chan. And I know what to fear. I have never experienced the loss of control that came with drowning before today, but it was everything I imagined it would be; I was right."

"Does it ever bother you, how troubled we are?" Shizuo leant his head back against the bark closing his eyes. Izaya smiled, crawling forward into the open angle of Shizuo's legs, before leaning his back against a rising chest, head thrown back onto Shizuo's shoulder. Izaya grabbed hold of Shizuo's limp arms and wrapped them around himself.

Purr, "we're only as troubled as we let ourselves believe. Now, I'm cold Shizu-chan. You got me all soaked, so you should keep me warm, ne? Let's just forget this night in full, okay?" Izaya pressed the angled crescent of his nose into Shizuo's warm neck. He wanted to forget for pride, and Shizuo humored the request for guilt.

"I take comfort in the fact you're probably more fucking unhinged than I am."

Izaya laughed like god: carefree, as though nothing was wrong with them.


End file.
